


All's fair in love and the graceless murder of 300 innocent snowglobes

by mrrogers98, northegg



Category: The Iliad - Homer, The Song of Achilles - Madeline Miller
Genre: F/M, M/M, Multi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-03-10
Updated: 2017-03-18
Packaged: 2018-03-17 05:20:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,921
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3516962
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mrrogers98/pseuds/mrrogers98, https://archiveofourown.org/users/northegg/pseuds/northegg
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>how to punch urself in the face, a guidebook by Achilles Pelides</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Snow Globe breaker, Waffle maker

Patroclus rested his elbow on the glass display box next to the register, idly flipping through the brochure for the ancient greece exhibit that was currently on display, when he heard the crash.

A tall blonde boy had knocked over the entire shelf of snowglobes Patroclus had spent a good hour unpacking and carefully arranging.

“Fuck.” Patroclus swore under his breath. Sometimes he really hated his job. He loved the museum, loved the art and his co-workers, even the cafeteria food, but not the people. He looked straight at the tall blonde boy who had caused the crash and raised his eyebrow.

“Are you going to pay for those?”

The blonde boy’s (who was actually kind of hot, Patroclus had to admit) blue eyes widened, as he squeaked out a “Sorry”, and turned around and ran, somehow managing to not slip on the wet snowglobe massacre at his feet.

“FUCK.” Patroclus yelled, and started chasing him down the squeaky corridor that led to the main entrance, almost knocking down the marble busts that lined the main hall in his wild sprint . However, the blonde stranger must have been some kind of olympic athlete, the way he completely and utterly left Patroclus in the dust. The blond whipped through the museum like a whirlwind, dancing out of the way of reaching security guards and shocked museum-goers.

Patroclus’ smokers lungs had no chance, high school varsity track or not, and even the adrenaline from the chase couldn’t completely alleviate the thorough exhaustion that came with med school. By the time that he had reached the exit, the blond was long gone. He swore to himself again before returning to the museum gift shop, only to find Briseis standing in front of the mess of broken snowglobes and smashed bits of the small figures that were in them

¨Why do we even sell these.¨ Briseis mumbled to herself, glumly nudging at the corpse of a smashed snow globe with her foot.

“We give the people what they want,” Patroclus sighed, and picked up a figurine of Dionysus, “and what they want, apparently, is crappy snowglobes.”

Briseis groaned.

“Let’s just try to clean this shit up.” she said, going and grabbing a bucket and mop.

  
  


* * *

 

Achilles ran about about a mile without stopping before he decided that he was in the clear. He had run longer distances before without even breaking a sweat, much, much longer distances, but for some reason, today he’s completely breathless. Something tells him he really fucked up. He had been so close to going up to him and talking to him this time. He had noticed the boy who worked in the shop before.

Well, noticed was kind of an understatement. The first time Achilles had laid eyes on him, he felt like he was being pierced through his heart with an arrow . A good arrow though, one that sent some odd feeling jolting through his veins with warmth and electricity and made Achilles feel like he was about to die a slow, beautiful death. Although, he never quite got up to the nerve to actually approach him.

He wasn’t stalking, though, it didn’t count as stalking if he actually visited the exhibits too, Achilles reasoned. He did really like art and history. He especially liked the current ancient Greek exhibit, although eight visits was a few too many, even for greco-roman statues and mosaics and ancient greek instruments. It was informational too, after all he was majoring in Art History at his Uni.

He looked down at his hands, a bit cut up from a stray piece of flying glass, oh, yeah.

His pursuits did usually end up injuring him someway or another.

Why did that kid have to be so attractive anyways?

“I’m usually so smooth!” he whined aloud, walking through his neighborhood. He realized that he sounded pretty weird and kind of douche-y but hey, he had just ruined the workplace of and ran away from the actual-love-of-his-life and had only managed to stay long enough for one squeaky “sorry”, so he allowed himself this.

“Define smooth” a familiar voice boomed on his right.

Achilles whipped around to face the voice, and found himself glaring down at Odysseus.

“Hello to you too, jackass” Achilles scowled.

“So, based on your extra cheerful mood today, I’m guessing you embarrassed yourself in front of cute museum boy instead of talking to him like you were planning to?” Odysseus giggled like a small child. Achilles scowled harder in response.

“Oh, so priceless. What did you even do?” Odysseus asked, ignoring Achilles’ chilling expression.

Achilles mumbled a response.

“Oh what’s that? I cant hear you.” Odysseus said, singsong.

“I DESTROYED THE GIFT SHOP’S ARMY OF SNOW GLOBES OK” Achilles yelled.

Odysseus’ face went slack before he burst into howling laughter.

“Oh shit, not the snow globes!” Odysseus laughed, his tone soaked in sarcasm, tears forming in the corners of his eyes.

“Alright, so lemme get this straight, dude. You, Achilles, golden boy of track at Chiron university full of grace and glory, destroyed the workplace of the boy you’ve been stalking for weeks, on the day you decided to finally talk to him once and for all. And in doing so, you slaughtered innocent snowglobes! Excuse me for my lack of empathy, but I’ve gotta think of the snowglobe families whose lives you destroyed.”

“Shut up!!!” Achilles yelled, his face turning a peculiar shade of fuschia

“Those snowglobe families may NEVER RECOVER!” Odysseus continued.

“Watch it homeboy, or so-help-me-gods I’m going tell Penelope just where her engagement ring came from!” Achilles threatened, smiling darkly.

“Dude, she knows. Why do you think she laughs so hard whenever we see Mrs. Peabody walking Valencia with the red studded leash?”

“Oh screw you, that was my only leverage!” Achilles laughed.

“I know” Odysseus said, cocking his eyebrow. “but seriously, Pelides, what happened?” he asked, suddenly taking on a serious tone.

“You don’t want to know.” Achilles groaned, and shoved his face in his hands.

“Come on, man” Odysseus crooned, softly bumping into Achilles’ shoulder.

“I’m a failuuuuuure. Cute museum boy will never love me.”

       “Oh you gay baby. You should go to gay baby jail.” Odysseus petted Achilles hair, even though Achilles was a good foot taller.

“Okay, but on the real real, I have no fucking idea what i'm going to do. He’s so cute and perfect and cute, and did I mention PERFECT, and you don't even wanna know about his a-”

“OK, I’m gonna have to stop you right there, because you know, you say that and I actually don’t want to know, there are things I don’t need to hear dude, mental images I just don’t need in my brain.” Odysseus said, interrupting achilles mid speech, reaching up to use his hand to cover the babbling blondes mouth.

“Look, golden boy, you need to talk to him. You’ve been pining like a lovesick puppy, and the walls in our apartment are thin, so when you stay up all night writing shitty gay ass love songs and playing them loudly, and crying on about loneliness, it keeps Penelope up, and when Penelope doesn’t get enough sleep she gets midnight snacks from the kitchen so in the morning she isn’t hungry, and when she isn’t hungry SHE WON’T EAT THE WAFFLES I SPENT TWO HOURS MAKING FOR HER ON OUR ANNIVERSARY”.

“Dude, you okay? Thats a…  that’s a lot of anger” Achilles said, backing up slowly.

“THE WAFFLES MAN, THE WAFFLES!”

“Sheesh, im sorry” Achilles said regretfully. “Were they good?”

“Of course they were good, have you ever even had my waffles- look, just stop fucking around and go get your guy” Odysseus breathed out  exasperatedly.

“If only it were that easy” Achilles replied, kicking a stone on the sidewalk, which ricocheted off of a tree and hit him in the shin. Apparently the entire god damn world was trying to kill him. Achilles was never this unlucky.

Well, theres a first time for everything.

“Son of a-!” Achilles shouted, and grabbed his leg, which was slowly turning a nice eggplant purple.

“Ohohoh my god, good luck man” Odysseus said as he slapped achilles on the back and turned to walk up the front steps of their apartment.

  



	2. Reason 582 why not to mess with Patroclus

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Don't trust your gut.

 

“So, after your spectacular massacre of snow globes, you decided to run away?” Odysseus laughed, shoveling organic cheese puffs into his mouth, the orange powder smearing around his mouth and onto one cheek.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?”

“Seriously, Achilles, what the fuck.” Antilochus said from the kitchen.

Achilles’ head whipped around his place to find Antilochus’ form sprawled on the counter.

“How did you get in here? I thought you lost your key?” Achilles growled.

“Window, man, chill.” he said, tossing a lock of his straight golden hair over his shoulder.

“WHAT” Achilles yelled, smashing his face into a throw pillow.

“Privacy, man!” Odysseus yelled.

“You and I have fundamentally differing definitions of what privacy is, I guess.” Antilochus replied nonchalantly.

“How long have you even been in here? I didn’t hear you come in at all.” Odysseus said, ignoring Antilochus’ previous comment and cutting off Achilles by shoving his head back down into the pillow.

“Well, you probably wouldn’t, I’m very stealthy...like a cat…” Antilochus replied drifting off, then refocusing,  “But I’ve been here maybe about forty five minutes, like, way before you two got back. I had to go to the bathroom and yours is much nicer than the one in my dorm. That  reminds me, its a bit nippy in here, innit?” he replied, tossing an apple between his hands. Achilles, escaping from the throw pillow, looked up at him dumbly. It’s cold for early october, and although Achilles and Odysseus could certainly afford heating, they both ran a little warm, and never really saw the point.

“You can go get a jacket from my room if you want.” Achilles offered.

“Thanks mate, you’re my one true love.” Antilochus called, walking down the hallway, only to briefly turn around to snap and make little finger guns and wink at Achilles.

“He is so weird.” Odysseus said “But like, I feel bad for him, you know? His dorm is nasty, and it’s co-ed, so you know he gets stalked by a new girl every damn week.”

“His new little british accent doesn’t help either. Where did he even pick that up?” Achilles mused.

“Beats me. Netflix just uploaded a bunch of new BBC shows though, that could be it.” Odysseus suggested. Antilochus had a thing for historical dramas as well, and for some reason most American T.V. networks had just said “fuck it, do a British accent” whenever an accent other than American was needed.

“Oh that’s probably it. He watches way too much T.V..” Achilles replied, as Antilochus waltzed wearing Achilles puffiest lavender snow coat.

“Who wants pancakes?” Antilochus asked.

Odysseus almost falls off of the coach from yelling yes too hard.

 

* * *

 

“And then he just ran. I mean what kind of coward does that? What the hell is wrong with him?” Patroclus complained to Briseis while wiping his coffee stained hands on his apron.

“Why are you still fixating on the loser snow globe killer? That was like last week.”

Briseis said. Patroclus just stared at her.

“That was two hours ago, Briseis.” He said slowly.

“Yeah, on our shift at our other jobs, which is like a year ago to me. When do we get out of here, by the way?” Briseis asked, glancing at her watch mid sentence.

“Um, well I get off in an hour at six, but your closing up tonight at eight. Do you want me to hang out here with you until you get off?” Patroclus offered.

“Aw, no, but thank you, you sweet nugget. You have to get home and study and sleep.I haven’t seen circles that dark since I was kicked off of the girl’s kickboxing team at my high school.” Briseis said sweetly as she ruffled Patroclus’ hair.

“And don’t worry, I was giving, not receiving.” She continued, smirking as she made another cappuccino. Patroclus smiled, and greeted a few customers at the register.

“Hi, what would you guys like tonight?” He asked pleasantly.

“Um, I’d like a caramel frappe please, under the name Odysseus” the bearded hipster said, shifting from foot to foot. “What do you guys want?” he asked the two surly looking blonde guys behind him.

“Nothing. I hate coffee.”The one with straight, blond, shoulder length hair muttered.

“Well, Anty you’re still paying so.” Odysseus shot back. “What about you, Achilles?”

“I think I’d like a-” the familiar looking blonde with a curly halo of hair froze, finally looking at Patroclus.

“YOU” Patroclus yelled. The entire coffee shop froze.

“Wait hold up. Who are you?” Odysseus asked Patroclus. Achilles didn’t move, just squeaked a bit.

“The guy who spent two hours cleaning obliterated snow globes off of the floor after THIS FUCKING ASSHOLE RUINED MY SHOP.” Patroclus whispered intensely, noticing the stares from the other customers. Normally, he didn’t get mad easily, but he hadn’t slept in three plus days, and was not up for any shit, no matter how hot he thought the person giving the shit was. Briseis placed a comforting hand on his shoulder.

“Kick his ass, babe. I’ve got your shift.”

* * *

 

Achilles didn’t even look behind him as he ran out the front door of the cafe, but he definitely knew the boy chasing him. Patroclus, the name tag on his apron had said, was in swift pursuit of him as he quickly turned the corner and sprinted into an alley way.

He felt a quick moment of relief, (but also a curious bit of disappointment) when he realized Patroclus was no longer following him.

He paused, wondering if he should head back to the cafe and try to locate Odysseus and Antilochus.  

Then, out of nowhere Achilles was tackled by a ball of fury, only a few blocks away from the coffee shop.

Achilles ducked out of the headlock Patroclus was trying to impose on him, and placed his hands firmly on Patroclus’ shoulders, holding him out of punching distance.

“You dickhole” Patroclus spat.

“I’m sorry!” Achilles whined, helplessly

“You just ran,... like, like a weenie!” Patroclus scowled at the blond.

“A weenie? Did you seriously just call me a weenie?” Achilles laughed aloud.

Achilles realizes that any ounce of his self preservation skills were out of the window. Not that there were much to begin with, he had always been a kind of act first, think later type of person.

“Let me go and fight me like a real person instead of this shit, then I’ll really give you something to laugh about you ass” Patroclus grunted, trying to fight out of Achilles’ iron grip.

“Ok, fight me then.” Achilles smirked, and let go of Patroclus, who immediately tried to punch Achilles in the face. Achilles swiftly sidestepped out of Patroclus’ onslaught.

“Hah! you hit like a tiny baby-” Achilles was cut off by Patroclus’ fist connecting with his nose at a very high speed.

The blood came immediately, and Patroclus froze.

“You hit me” Achilles breathed, stating the obvious.

“Shit” Patroclus swore quietly.

“I bink you broke ma nose” Achilles said, pinching his still-bleeding nose, his hand rapidly becoming covered with blood.

“Here, fucck, let me, I’m a med student” Patroclus said, and stepped closer to Achilles, moving his hands away from his face

“Ah no!, you punched me! why would I let you, even if you are a so called ‘med-student’!” Achilles protested, but didn’t move away, and let Patroclus gently feel his nose up.

“Nope, not broken, just a bloody nose. Come on, let’s get you back to the cafe, I’ll help you get cleaned up.” Patroclus said, and started walking back in the direction they came.

Achilles was stunned, and bleeding, but he was smiling. He had finally talked to cute-museum-boy, even though it maybe wasn’t like Achilles had imagined. No roses, no kisses, no proclamations of love, but that was ok. Duking it out in a smelly alleyway was pretty good too. However, he had just gotten punched in the face, so there was the matter of pride.  Achilles figured he could settle for antagonization as payback.

As Patroclus walked down the alleyway, back to the coffee house, Achilles silently ran up behind Patroclus, only to swiftly flick him in his black denim clad butt.

Patroclus whipped his head around and scowled, only to meet Achilles’ glaring gaze.

“What?  Why you lookin' at me?, you just punched me in the nose” Achilles said snarkily.

Patroclus spun back around with a sharp exhale through his  nose and a pout on his face.

“You’re delirious. Guess I punched you too hard.” Patroclus said, and started lightly jogging away from Achilles, towards the coffee shop.  


	3. Chapter 3

After that, Achilles showed up at the coffee shop almost every day that Patroclus had a shift.  
He had a routine, he would come in, order some ridiculous drink, and smile brightly at Patroclus, who would in turn frown and ignore him, pay exclusively with pennies and nickels, and sit down at the little table in the corner, playing on his iphone and jiggling his leg up and down until Patroclus’ shift was over, then follow him out and offer to walk him home.

At first Patroclus found it weird, and not to mention annoying, but Achilles was cute, and persistent, and non-threatening.

After all, Patroclus did punch him in the face. For practically no good reason.  
Practically.

“You don’t have to do this you know, you don’t owe me anything. As far as I’m concerned, punching you in the face was enough to settle the score.” Patroclus said one day, while Achilles strolled next to him.

“I’m not doing this because I feel like I owe you something, I’m doing it because I want to.” Achilles said, looking at Patroclus out of the corners of his eyes while chewing on the corner of his lip.

“Why? You don’t know me.” Patroclus huffed crossing his arms over his chest, his eyebrows scrunching together.

“Well, maybe I’d like to.” Achilles replied in a sing-songy voice, smiling. 

They walked in silence for a block and a half until suddenly-

“Okay.” Patroclus said. 

“Okay what?” Achilles asked, cocking an eyebrow. 

“Okay, you can get to know me” Patroclus said, stopping straight in his tracks but continuing to look straight forward, and not at Achilles, trying his best to force down a grin. 

"Okay...okay, Awesome, I got it!" Exclaimed Achilles, his eyes sparkling madly, suddenly taking a fighter's stance, bouncing around, and smiling at Patroclus.

“Got what?, are you okay?... dude?” Patroclus inquired, waving his right hand in front of the blondes face.

“I’m not gonna have to punch you again, am I?, because that REALLY goes against the whole ‘do no harm’ doctor code thing.” Patroclus continued snarkily as he waited for the excited blonde to snap out of it.

“No,” Achilles laughed, “let’s play the question game!”

“Isn’t that a little straight white boy?” Patroclus asked.

“Nooo, come on, it’ll be fun! I promise” Achilles replied, smiling.

“Ok, just don’t ask me if I’m a virgin.”Patroclus smirked.

“Shit! That was gonna be my first question.” Achilles deadpanned. Patroclus laughed and ran his hand through his dark hair. 

“Oh, shut up, you first.” he said.

“Ok, ok, question. Where did you grow up?” Achilles asked.

“Mmm, well, I was born in San Francisco, and that’s where I lived until I was like seven, but then my dad got a job in Palo Alto, so we moved there.” Patroclus responded.

“Oh shit! I’m from there too!, SF, I mean, not Palo Alto. Well, not SF exactly, but the bay area, piedmont to be more specific” the blond rambled, dragging his feet along the uneven pavement and 

scratching his cheek as a pink tinge spread across his face.

“Oh my god. Of course. Piedmont. Wow-y wow. Um.” Patroclus laughed,

“What? What’s wrong with Piedmont?” Achilles asked raising an eyebrow at Patroclus. 

“Um, everything? I got bullied by a kid from piedmont once. At some CEO lunch my dad made me go to. Can you believe that! At a freaking CEO lunch, some of these rich people I swear”

“Hey! Piedmont may suck, but at least there are parks and stuff.” Achilles said lamely “and it’s not like San Francisco’s not wealthy, because like, gentrification and stuff.”

“Well, you’re not wrong. It’s bad and sad and it makes me angry, but hey, at least we don’t have a hashtag” Patroclus shrugged.

“What hashtag?”

“you’re kidding me, right? Clueless.”

“I love that movie, but seriously,what hashtag?”

Patroclus holds back a snort, momentarily imagining Achilles as Cher.

“You really don’t know about this? You lived there! Go listen to some Local Hero or something.”

“I really don’t know what you’re talking about” Achilles huffed. Patroclus just laughed and shook his head jostling his halo of golden curls.

“Oh shit” he said “I think we passed my building.” Patroclus turned around, and confirmed that they had, in fact passed it, too wrapped up were they in their conversation. 

“Do you want to come up?” Patroclus asked. Achilles’ reply was immediate

“Yes!” 

“Alrighty then. Did you have any more questions for me?” Patroclus asked, as they walked up the stairs to his apartment.

“No, it’s your turn.” Achilles prompted.

“Ok, what’s your favorite color?” Patroclus asked.

“Red.” Achilles replied “And yours?” Patroclus hmm-ed thoughtfully, unlocking the door. 

“Purple, I think. I like all colors, though.” 

“Favorite singer?” Achilles asked. 

“I actually don’t listen to that much music. I like The Beatles though.” Achilles froze in the center of Patroclus’ living room. 

“I can’t believe you just said that to me.” 

“I’m guessing you’re a music snob, then.”

“Well I obviously wouldn’t call myself a music snob, but music is one of the greatest things in the world! It’s stopped wars, it makes the planet turn.” Achilles unfroze and sat at the kitchen bar watching 

Patroclus reach for two cups from the cupboard. Achilles like the way Patroclus’ long fingers circled around the glass, and the inch of waist revealed by the tugged up hoodie. And then it was gone, and Patroclus moved over to the sink

“I’m pretty sure the world turns because of like gravity.. or something, but ok” Patroclus snorted, filling two glasses with tap water and pushing one across the kitchen bar to Achilles.   
Achilles saw it but made no move to take it. 

“Did you want juice instead? Because the only thing we have other than water is some vodka briseis made in her basement. Actually, that might be fully fermented, I can-”

“No, don’t worry about it. As appetizing as that sounds, I’m not supposed to drink that much. Sports stuff. My body is a machine and all that” Achilles interrupted.

“Gotcha.” Patroclus laughed. They sat there for a moment. Achilles finally took a sip of his water, and Patroclus stared at his adam’s apple.

“What kind of music do you like, then?” Patroclus questioned, using all his willpower to make his eyes to rest on the marble of the countertop instead of on the throat of his current company.

“Not the beatles, fuck dude, especially considering that they stole a lot of music from black people”

Patroclus startles at this, “They did?”

”yeah dude, whyd’ya think they were so funky?”

“I hadnt given it much thought, to be honest”

**Author's Note:**

> Hopefully soon there will be an established posting schedule, sometime after spring break, but we intend to follow this thing through.  
> check us out on tumblr!  
> Ariela: http://northegg.tumblr.com/  
> Leo: http://bleachbath.co.vu/  
> we are very hot and very cool


End file.
